Don't Look Back In Anger

Parent complaint: "Everytime I ask my three year old to do something he doesn't want to do he flips out. He seems to be full of rage. I'm worried he will turn out to be a serial killer or something. Please FIX HIM."

Diagnosis: Normal

While I can't promise that any given three year old won't turn out to be a serial killer, this behavior definitely doesn't guarantee it.

You may also be worried that they will turn out like this woman:



Again, I can't make any promises. I do have some advice, though. The answer is the same one you hear when you go to therapy for any relationship: communication. Your child still has limited vocabulary and it can be frustrating to want to say something, but not know how. Plus, ever since they were a baby, the way they got attention was by crying. Here's a few tips to help your toddler/preschooler with their 'rage' issues (actually most of these work at any age):

- Help them identify their feelings by pointing them out yourself. Example, "It looks like you are really disappointed that you can't have any more red hot Cheetos."
- It is important that you remain unemotional in your exchange. It shows your child that emotions don't have to heightened for every trivial matter. Plus, yelling at them only seems to fuel the fire at times. (My wife will readily admit that this is one area I have the hardest time with)
- Encourage them to 'use their words' instead of tantruming. Only give them what they want when they ask in a calm voice. Example, "It seems like you want these red hot Cheetos, but you can only have them if you uses your words in a calm voice." If you give them what they are 'raging' over without improving their behavior, you are just rewarding their rage, and it will be harder to overcome later.... which leads to my next point.
- Ignore. We've heard this one from when we were kids. "Why can't you just ignore your little brother, he's only doing it to get attention." Well you'll find its even harder as a parent to ignore it. There may be a component of attention-getting to their behavior. The less attention they get, the less reward they get. My parents always tell a story of a preschooler tantrum I threw at a movie theater once laying on the floor and kicking. They said they just left me there and walked away. I stopped my tantrum, jumped up and ran after them. Apparently that was my last tantrum.
- Work on your own feeling communication. Explain to your child why you are doing what you are doing. Don't say, "because I'm the daddy, that's why." Say, "I don't want you to have any more red hot Cheetos because you've already eaten a lot, and we are going to eat dinner soon."
- Positive reinforcement. When they respond in a 'grown up' way give them a reward. A sticker. A healthy treat. While they usually won't choose it over the other things, physical affection (a hug, etc) seems to work best of all. "I'm so proud of you that you were able to talk in a big boy voice instead of whining" (accompanied with a hug). Kids are suckers for that crap.

The good news is most people grow out of it (ignore the woman in the airport above). Through your excellent parenting skills you can help them get there sooner rather than later.

Fell free to add any comments of methods you have used to share...